there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize