thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She told me I should be a condom model.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
