: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
