i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
