You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
