"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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