Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
