I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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