The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
