My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
