he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
