well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
50% drunk capacity currently
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
