I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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