Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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