If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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