your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We were destined to go to rehab together
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
