This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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