i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
