She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
