you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
