She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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