I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
