I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
