I haven't been this sober since birth.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
