im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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