im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
