Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
