ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You took a bar mat shot.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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