I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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