i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
