He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
