im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
