I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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