I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
