There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My bed smells like the plague
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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