i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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