You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
