Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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