Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
