it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
