The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
