i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
