I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize