Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
