Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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