Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
