i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
