I didn't shave. On purpose
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
