It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
