I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Shame - the story of my life.
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