I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
