On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
