What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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