i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
