yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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