i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
