Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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