watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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